15 years ago, in the throws of the binge eating cycle of my eating disorder, having to stay home for one week, if I got sick, would throw me into a firestorm of self rejection. This inevitably lead to more binge eating to cope with the pain of self rejection, and more self rejection to deal with the shame of binge eating. I would get angry that I could not go about my normal routine of compulsive exercising and I would feel like a failure for not having completed an arduous workout. I would try not to eat, believing that this would help me heal faster and also feeling undeserving because I wasn't working out. This also lead to more binge eating.
Inevitably I would heal, go back to my normal routine, and start restricting food in effort to lose the perceived added layers gained during a week or two of illness. Even though I wasn't sick anymore, the restriction and binge eating would continue.
Fast forward to April 22, 2020, the 50th anniversary of the earth day. I find myself in the fifth week of a lockdown during the Covid-19 pandemic. I leave my house once a week to go to the store and chronic injuries keep me from being able to even take a walk outside. I have many fears and insecurities and yet my 20 years of past struggles with food and body image are nowhere to be found. Maybe I need to give it another month or maybe I'm not looking hard enough. I'm open to both options. So far though, not a peep! I've seen many advertisements and social media posts pushing diet culture, I have been to stores with less food on the shelf, I have stared out my window at more people running, walking, and biking in our fantastic Seattle sun, and still, no desire has risen to control my food and shape my body.
Before going any further I want to acknowledge the privileges at play here in being able to recover. I was able to access information about recovery, help was available to me if I wanted it, I was able to go to college, I was able to drop out of college and live with my parents, I wasn't turned away by a healthcare system who thought I didn't have a problem because of my race, I have never faced food insecurity that wasn't self inflicted, I have never had a healthcare professional blame my health problems on my weight, I was never bullied for my weight or appearance, I have never lived in poverty, I am white, cis gendered, young, mostly able bodied, and living in a smaller body. There are more to name. I consider recovery a privilege and I intend to use this privilege to reach out and support others.
I share both opposing stories to say that I have been there and to offer hope that recovery is possible. If I had to be in quarantine 15 years ago, let alone five years ago, I would have abandoned myself in an effort to escape the discomfort that change brings up for me. Change is hard. Disordered eating and other compulsive habits would have been my vehicle for avoidance. I'm grateful to be in quarantine with self kindness and food and body liberation. Instead of being something to dread and control, food has been enjoyable and nourishing during this time.
I share my story to offer something different then the stories of relapse and lifelong dependence on control of our food, that I am seeing a lot of during this pandemic. There's nothing wrong with relapsing or even living a life of control. Both offer us opportunities to learn about ourselves and grow. 100% recovery from an eating disorder is possible though, even during a pandemic, and I want to offer this perspective as well. I will not sugarcoat the process of recovery, for it takes a willingness to stay with ourselves during painful times, as well as to see ourselves 100% as we are. It's frightening and difficult work. It's also empowering. If I can offer anything during this pandemic, I want it to be empowering. We don't have to settle for a life that will always be controlled by an eating disorder. We can be free even during the most difficult times.
I share my story because, as a peer counselor, this is one of the tools we use to relate to you, to offer you a safe, nonjudgmental space to relax and be yourself, and to inspire hope in you that recovery is possible. I can't help but wonder if a peer counselor could make a difference in the lives of those who have relapsed, or who believe that an eating disorder will always be part of their life. It sure inspired me to see people who lived a life of liberation, free from compulsive eating and body shame, who took time to rest and take care of themselves. Seeing people who took up space in their bodies, and trusted their bodies to guide them was powerful. It offered me a different story than the narrative playing in my head over and over.
During this pandemic, I would like to offer that to you as well.
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