Oct 11, 20205 min read

How to Tell Your Parents You Have an Eating Disorder

Updated: Dec 22, 2020

Eating disorder recovery. A black mother and child hugging while standing up in front of a Rock wall — Your parents can be your biggest support for Eating Disorder Recovery

It took me breaking down, feeling hopeless, and feeling like I had hit rock bottom to actually tell my parents I had an eating disorder and I needed help. I didn't have a plan. It was a moment of desperation. I just picked up the phone and made the call without knowing exactly what I was going to say but deeply needing support.

All of us come to this moment in different ways. It took me five years because I wanted to handle it myself. I was strongly fused with the ideology of individualism and believed that I shouldn’t need help.

If you are struggling with an eating disorder, an important step in your recovery process is telling people you love and seeking help. This will relieve some of the pressure you carry from keeping your eating disorder hidden and give you a chance at finding support. It can be terrifying and overwhelming to think about telling anyone, especially your parents. Luckily there is information and personal examples abounding online that can help you.

After reading this blog you will be able to create a plan of action to tell your parents or any trusted adult that you have an eating disorder.

Personal truths

First and foremost, you are under no obligation to share with anybody if you don't want to or you don't feel safe doing so. Sharing needs to be something you value and think to be important.

It may take time to share and that's okay. Go at your own pace.

Tell your parents you have an eating disorder. A black father has his arm around his son as their bodies both face the camera. The father looks off in the distance and the sun has sunglasses on. They are in front of a fence with tropical plants around. It is sunny. The sun has a black t-shirt and the father a black tank top. They both have on the same beige shorts with red circles. — Your parents could be your biggest advocates for eating disorder recovery

There is no right or wrong way to share. This is your authentic experience. Perfectionism can block your ability to get the message out if you are over concerned with presenting it in a particular way. It is much more important to get the message out than have it be perfect.

You cannot control anyone's actions and reactions, including your parents. Their reactions say nothing about you. This is true even if their reaction is very painful or they don’t understand. Your experience is valid and you deserve help and support no matter what. Your parents will have to do their own processing. That is not your responsibility.

Telling parents you have an eating disorder. A white mother with short blond hair and a white daughter with long red hair in a pony tail sit on a coach close together. The both look at the ground with the daughter's hands clasped and elbows resting on her legs. The mother's head is in her hand. There are windows behind them. — Parents may struggle with hearing you have an eating disorder

Preliminary steps

Decide what your intention is for sharing with your parents. Do you need their support, help finding treatment, or do you just need to get it off your chest? Maybe it is all of these and more. Knowing this can help you decide what you want to say.

If you do not feel safe sharing with your parents, is there another adult who you trust that you could tell? It could be a teacher, coach, school counselor, a friend's parents, a neighbor, a school nurse, a co-worker, a supervisor or some other trusted adult.

Decide if you want to speak in person, over the phone, in an email or letter, or as a video.

Decide if you want to have a support person with you such as a friend, trusted adult, or a sibling.

You may want to attend an online eating disorder support group to have community and learn how other people have told their parents.

Decide if you want to see a doctor or counselor first and have them help you tell your parents.

How will you tell your parents you have an eating disorder? A White non-binary person in a fat body sits in a bed while leaning against the wall and looking at their phone and looking at their phone. They have on a light pink hooded sweatshirt and the covers of the bed cover their legs. There is a dog resting on their legs. To their right is a window. — Plan how to tell your parents you have an eating disorder

Preparatory steps

Organize your thoughts by writing out what you want to say. Even if you want to speak with them, this can be helpful for a couple reasons:

1) You will be more practiced and less likely to forget what you want to say.

2) You can collect ideas overtime if you forget something the first time you write it out

3) You can have it with you as a reference when you actually speak to your parents.

Some ideas to write about are:

1) What’s been happening

2) How long

3) How it's affecting you

4) How do you feel (if parents are not understanding, they may be able to relate to feelings) (Instagram @omggiina)

5) How common it is and how people get better with treatment,

6) It’s not something you can control,

7) You need help

8) How your parents can best support you. (Give specific examples of actions)

9) Anything else you think is important

Take the screening tool questionnaire on NEDA's website to determine if you have an eating disorder, and use those results to show your parents evidence.

Find some resources that describe facts about eating disorders. This way it won't be personal, and it will be harder to argue with facts.

Find resources geared specifically towards parents of children with eating disorders. This can be in print, video or podcasts format.

Create a list of treatment options: therapists, nutritionists, peer counselors, treatment centers, group therapy etc… to help your parents with resources. This gives you agency over choosing treatment that appeals to you.

Rehearse your conversation. Practicing something helps us to be more confident and comfortable with it, even if the situation is still very anxiety producing. You can rehearse with yourself or with another trusted person.

Write out what to tell your parents about your eating disorder. A young black man sits on a stoop with his head down and his face covered by a black Adidas hat. He has on a gray shirt and olive green and gray pants. He is writing in a notebook, and appears very focused. He has bracelets on, a watch and a necklace. He is in a smaller body. There is a building and sidewalk entries in the background. — Write out what do you want to tell your parents about your eating disorder.

Initiatory steps

Come up with different times and places when and where everyone will be relaxed. It’s important not to have interruptions or people listening in.

Come up with a self care plan for after you have the conversation. How are you going to take care of yourself? Call a friend, take a walk, have a meal, meditate, read, lay down, or anything else that feels caring.

Decide if you will need to take breaks or if you will discuss it all in one go.

How do you practice self-care when you have an eating disorder? A curvy mixed race female with shoulder length tightly curled black hair sits in a chair while holding a blue notebook, writing in it, and looking up over to her right. She is wearing glasses, has a nose piercing, is wearing a white shirt with small black polkadots, flowing short sleeves, with a short ruffled collar. She is also wearing medium dark blue jeans. There are windows and window doors behind her with other buildings in the background. — How am I going to take care of myself after I tell my parents I have an eating disorder?

Engagement steps

Reach out to your parents in person, by phone, in a text, in a letter or in a video message to pick a time to talk. If you have decided you will not talk in person, you may pick a time with them to deliver your message or just deliver it.

If you are coordinating with a support person reach out to plan the time with them as well.

Practice self-care between now and the conversation. Remember that you are worthy of help, no matter what.

If you are nervous and uncomfortable, tell your parents how difficult it is for you to speak. Ask them not to shame you and to just be there for you.

Deliver your message and have your conversation with your parents.

At the end, decide on some next steps; either to talk more or to reach out to treatment providers.

Give your parents a hug and tell them you love them if you feel comfortable doing so. (EDucating Shanny YouTube Video: How to Tell Your Parents that You Have an Eating Disorder)

After disclosing your eating disorder to your parents you may want to hug them. A white mother in a red and white striped collared shirt, with straight brown hair holds her daughters head in her hands and kisses her forhead. The daughter is a little shorter, white, with straight light brown hair and a black tank top on. She has her hands on her mother's arms and her eyes closed, leaning into her mothers embrace. There is a stone wall in the background that is brown and gray. — After disclosing your eating disorder to your parents, you may want to hug them.

Afterwords

Engage in your self care plan first and foremost! You are brave, and that took energy and effort! Take care to replenish.

Follow through with next steps in a time most suitable for you.

No matter what your parent’s response is, you are brave and self-loving to reach out to them, share your experience, and ask for help and support. The act of doing this is an act of recovery, self advocacy and self compassion. It will serve you deeply on the rest of your journey.

Telling your parents that you have an eating disorder is self advocacy and self-love. It is recovery work. A young adult Asian female glows in the light of a lit up heart she holds in her hands. She has straight black hair parted on the side with some of it falling over her right eye. She has on a dark blue or black long sleeve shirt. It is dark in the background with lots of glowing lights, and there are glowing lights surrounding her. She is looking at the heart in her hand and she is smiling. — The act of telling your parents you have an eating disorder is self advocacy and self-love. It is recovery work!

If you have any questions about this or more tips to add, feel free to reach out to me.

You can recover from an eating disorder. A 37-year-old Caucasian female sits on the edge of a bed, slightly leaning back, with her hands clasped around her shin that is slightly lifted off the ground. Her hair is pulled back and she is smiling. She has on a long sleeve Gray shirt and camouflage pants. There is a cream colored wall and pastel striped sheets on the bed in the background. — Peer counselor for eating disorder recovery!

My name is Jessica Scalzo and I am a peer counselor supporting people working to recover from eating disorders. You can get your life back and live it to the fullest!

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This blog is not a substitute for clinical or medical advise. I urge anyone suffering with an eating disorder to seek treatment as soon as possible.

All Photos were retrieved from Unsplash.

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