I feel shame and guilt to share that I don’t feel seen for my racial justice work.
Feeling unseen and unheard is nothing new to me. It is something I have struggled with my whole life. After many years in therapy, I now have the mental understanding that feeling unseen does not mean that it’s true or not true. It does signal, however, that something needs attending to.
Racial justice activism is also nothing new to me. Since my first social problems class at UW in 2007 where I learned language for feelings I was grappling with since childhood, I have been drawn to this work. This includes the inner work of unpacking my own racism and white supremacy. Since then I have lost friends and been distanced from some family members.
As the world seems to be going through a collective wakening to the injustice and brutality that white supremacy has inflicted upon it, I’m ashamed and embarrassed to write that I am feeling unseen. Feelings of shame are like a portal to deep truth though, and when I have enough presence to notice them I like to take the opportunity to explore.
My intention in writing this is to normalize these feelings. I want people to know that there is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling ANY feelings, including shame. These feelings are a part of being recovered from an eating disorder. My though is that if I can hold more space for my own feelings then I can hold more space for other people’s feelings. As the saying goes, It starts with me.
This writing is also self healing work. It is an exercise of unconditional self compassion that helps me further open to the aspects of myself that I am scared to look at. It deepens my self acceptance of things as they are, allowing me to live more authentically instead of putting on a show. As I have learned from countless chronic injuries and illnesses, putting on a show is exhausting and breaks me down. It also disconnects me from myself and the natural and spiritual world.
As I witness a wave of white people newly posting about racism on social media, I question whether it is performative or transformative. Those who engage in any kind of equity work know that it takes time, dedication, persistence, patience, commitment and a willingness to go against the grain. Did people really have a change of heart? Are they really going to do the work? Did the pain of Covid-19 awaken people to the pain of others? Did the absence of distractions such as sports, nightclubs, commuting, presidential rallies and more help people to see the racial injustice clearly? Did the Black Lives Matter movement of 2014 set the groundwork for the growth of the movement today?
How are friends and family members who resisted when I asked them to protest in 2014, now wanting to do something and telling others to speak out? How are former co-workers who wouldn’t speak up with me for Black lives in the work place now striking for Black Lives Matter? How is the corporation who told me multiple times that we couldn’t make a statement in favor of Black lives because we are “neutral”, now putting a statement on their website? This list goes on.
The beauty of pointing at others and asking these questions is that there are three fingers pointing back at me. I have found that when I am willing to look deeply, any critique I may have of others is a projection of my own expectations of the world. It's an opportunity to look at what is truly bothering me. Challenges in the present moment have a way of sending me through a wormhole straight to my childhood. There I find myself feeling unseen, unheard, not good enough, not worthy, and desperate to prove to my family and others that I am.
Feeling grateful and fortunate enough to have this realization, I allow for the pain of feeling unseen and not good enough to wash over me. It flows like a river of anxiety from head to toe with whirl pools in my throat, chest and stomach. The agitation that's left over from not engaging in performance to prove my worthiness tingles through my body like the current of a lightning strike. The feelings of shame are like a suction trying to pull my shoulders and head downward into a ball where I won't be noticed and can disappear. The guilt sits in my throat like a chunk of Jell-O. The feelings of isolation, loneliness and misunderstanding feel hard and cold like solitary confinement.
In the midst of all this, the warmth of reconnecting with my true self holds all of these difficult feelings In a comforting embrace like the sun coming out after the storm. The energy saved from not pushing these feelings away gives me strength and reserve to sit with them. In sitting with my own pain I have the opportunity to connect with the pain that others may feel. This brings me back into alignment with my values.
I can use my own pain to deeper understand and hold space for the pain that Black people may feel in a country that refuses to see them and acknowledge them in their full humanity. If I have been doing this work externally and vocally for the past eight years and I feel unseen, how must it feel for a black person of any age who has been fighting for change their whole life?
This exercise is not to compare my pain to others in an effort to disregard my own because it is less. Instead, it is to gain more understanding, connection, and perspective outside of my self limiting beliefs. It is an effort to make myself and everyone else, including those that are now distant to me, more human. If I do not get to know my own pain I will not be able to empathize with anyone else’s. If I do not recognize my feelings for what they are then my behaviors may be driven by avoiding them instead of what I truly value. This will not serve anyone, including myself. If I truly care about creating transformative systemic equity, then this inner work is critical. Without it, I can end up doing a lot of harm.
By noticing that yes, I feel the urge to perform and compare. Yes, I'm concerned about people's perception of me. Yes, I want people to see me, hear me, and not leave me. I can also notice that yes, these feelings and experiences were here long before I took Prof. Black’s Social Problems class. They were here long before I ever asked anyone to protest with me. And while they are completely valid, they have nothing to do with this recent surge in participation in the movement for racial justice and liberation. This is not to say that white silence, privilege, and fragility don't exist. They very much do and they absolutely need to be continually addressed, including within my own life and relationships. It is to say that if I don't do my own inner work then I will muck up the conversation and activism work with my inner five-year-old needs to prove that I am good enough.
Diving into the vulnerability of these feelings and having the willingness to be there also gives me more opportunity to continue looking at my own biases and to deepen my own undoing white supremacy work at the same time as others maybe getting introduced to it. Its a lifelong work and we are all at different places in the process. I could really harness the momentum of the movement to open even further to the ways that I am complicit to white supremacy, and look at different ways of further undoing it in my life.
In moments like these when my reality shifts, I find it helpful to remember the words of Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche as told by Pema Chödrön. She was experiencing a self-described “... painful experience because I was being insulted and humiliated by my own expectations.” to which Sakyong replied, “Well, you have to learn to be big and small at the same time.” (Chödrön, 66-67)*
I like this quote because it is describing flexibility and being able to meet the moment with what the moment requires in order to receive the gifts of the present. An expectation of how I am supposed to experience engaging in racial justice work holds me back from completely engaging and deepening my work. It makes me less effective in facilitating change.
With expectations of being big in this moment of movement building and an openness to the vulnerability of being small, I was gifted with many uncomfortable feelings. Most of these feelings have been stigmatized in our culture. We have been made to think that there is something wrong with us for feeling these feelings, instead of being taught that these feelings are completely normal and informative. Many people experience them. Because we think they're wrong, we feel more shame and guilt for experiencing them and we work to avoid them. Our actions then become driven by our desire to avoid these stigmatized feelings instead of driven by what is truly meaningful to us. Avoidance of feelings is what can cause harm, not the feelings themselves.
By being open to the shame I was able to receive the gifts of the moment. I was able to see the opportunity to deepen my own antiracism work, to connect to feelings that black people may experience related to feeling unseen, to expand my capacity to hold space for these feelings, to experience the resiliency that's possible during difficulty, and to practice being big and small at the same time.
I was also able to see the positivity of the moment too. I'm truly hopeful about the potential and momentum for justice with all the people joining in this work. It makes me excited and motivated. We are already breaking down barriers! I feel more supported and lifted to speak out about racial injustices and white supremacy because of the sheer number of people calling for justice. It feels like they got my back. I feel strength in the numbers.
As with almost all situations, If I am willing to observe with openness I will be able to see both positive and negative aspects, instead of getting caught on one or the other.
This is the work of recovery from an eating disorder. It’s an ongoing, ever expanding and deepening work. I am recovered and I still experience shame. I still experience feeling unseen and unworthy. Being recovered is not a final destination where uncomfortable feelings cease to exist. It is a path where our relationship to these feelings transforms and empowers us to live authentic and meaningful lives.
Note:
*I went back and forth with myself over using the Sakyong Mipham Rinpoche quote because he was accused by multiple women of sexual harassment, assault and abuse (Littlefair, 2019) and I believe the women. He also was described as having a problem with alcohol and anger by both men and women. Here is the letter former staff members wrote about him: https://drive.google.com/file/d/1W3fN12nEY-l0U2yejz3O4vcqaCMfusIa/view . My personal view is that he needs to be held accountable for his actions and that includes arrest, facing charges in court, and a letting go of all leadership positions and participation in the Shambhala community.
I decided to include the quote because it is my truth that I find it very helpful in my life and leaving it out would be avoiding that truth. Life is messy and I don’t want to portray that it’s not.
References:
Chödrön, P. (2008). The Pocket Pema Chödrön (pg 66-67). Boston: Shambhala Publications.
Littlefair, S. (2019). Updated: Former Aids Describe Abuse and Sexual Misconduct By Shambhala Leader. Lion’s Roar. https://www.lionsroar.com/kusung-letter-sakyong-mipham-abuse-misconduct/
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